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Can't Hardly Date/Transcript
Sydney: Hey, Dad. Max: Wow, you're going out again? You went out last night. Sydney: Yes, we're 12, that's what we do. Olive: We're going to Emmy's house. Her sister's in eighth grade, so we know it's gon' be lit! Sydney: Whoa, Grandma. You know I don't believe in objectifying women, but, girl, you straight fire! Judy: Thanks, Noodle! Max: You're going out, too? You went out last night. Judy: I'm in college. It's what we do. Olive: So, big party, huh? Judy: Eight parties, actually. All sorties are fighting over me to join them. Life can be complicated when you're this much fun. Speaking of fun, and its opposite... what's up with everyone's favorite couch farmer? Sydney: Dad, it's Saturday night, and you're not doing anything again? The only people home are you and grounded eight-year-olds. Max: Not doing anything? I'm doing product research for the bike shop. I'm thinking of carrying a new horn. (honking horn) Judy: No, no. Sydney: Dad, you can't spend another Saturday night sitting at home alone. Max: Did I mention I am making pasta sauce from scratch? (timer dings) Max: Ooh, my roasted garlic's ready! Sydney: Dad, there comes a time in every man's life when his daugther tells him... you gotta get out there, dude! Max: I can't, I'm busy being a single dad. Sydney: But I'm not a little kid anymore. Dad, it's been five years since Mom died. And we'll always miss her, but she'd want you to get out there and mix it up. Max: I do mix it up-- look. I am mixing cayenne pepper into my tomato sauce. Things are about to get real spicy around here. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sydney: Uh-uh. Max: Uh-- okay. Sydney: C'mon, Dad. Max: Look, Syd, I'm fine. In fact, I'm in such a good mood, how about I pick you up at 10:15? Sydney: I know what you're doing. You're trying to get me to stop bugging you by giving me a later curfew. Max: Is it working? Sydney: Make it 10:30 and it will. Max: Sold! [THEME] Olive: You know the best part about your dad owning this place? The free smoothies. Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Still worth it! Max: You know what, Olive? I've been thinking about my dad. There's no way he's not lonely. Olive: Whoa... do you see what I'm seeing? That woman is totally flirting with your dad. Sydney: And he's totally not flirting back. Look at him, he's clueless. Come on, man! Maggie: So, tell me, what made you decide to open a bike shop? Max: Eh, it's a long story. Maggie: Well, I'd love to hear it some time. Max: Really? Huh... maybe I should type it up and give it out with a free seat wrench. Maggie: (flirtatiously laughs) You're so funny. Sydney: Oh, no... I'll better help him. It's time to go full Cupid. Ping! Sydney: Uh, Dad? Can I talk to you? Max: Uh, yeah, sure. 'Scuse me. Maggie: Oh, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. Max: Yes, Syd, what's up? Sydney: "What's up?" Dad, that woman is totally flirting with you. Max: What? No, that's just Maggie. I've gotten to know her a little because she's been in here three times and still hasn't bought a bike. Sydney: Dad, did she laugh at your "bicycle built for two" joke? Max: Yeah, but that's because-- ohh... She is flirting with me. (nervously chuckles) Hi. Stay calm, Max... I'm not calm. What do I do? Sydney: Let me give you a hint... ask her out! Max: I'm a little bit rusty. The last time I asked a woman out is when your mother asked me out. Sydney: Here, we'll show you how it's done. I'll be you, and Olive, you're Maggie. (imitating Max) You know, I really enjoy talking with you. Any chance we could get a cup of coffee some time? Olive: I'm just trying to buy a bike, okay, creep?! Sydney: Olive! Olive: What? It could play out that way. Sydney: Dad... go. Max: Sorry about that, I just... had to have a little convo with my daughter. Maggie: Oh, that's your daughter? She's cute. 'Course, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. (noth chuckle) Max: O-Oh, boy! So... um... Maggie, I guess I was wondering... if you'd... like to discuss the sprockets that we're going to use on your bike. I recommend we go with a compact drive train, 34-tooth chainings-- Maggie: Would you like to go out sometime? Max: Oh, thank goodness... Yes. (Maggie sighs, rilieved) Max: Yes, I would really like that. Sydney: Way to go, Dad! Ping! to 1992 Young Max: This is the worst day of my life! Leo: Really? Worse than that day in first grade when you spilled apple juice on your lap, and it looked like you had an accident? 'Cause oh, baby, that was bad. Young Max: It was way worse... I broke my board, and my mom won't even buy me a new one. Leo: Why don't you buy one yourself? Young Max: Because I don't have any money. Leo: You haven't saved anything? I thought we had this conversation. Young Max: You sound just like my mom. Leo: Oh, we've talked. We worry about you, Max. Young Max: What's that? Leo: It's the prize catalog for the popcorn sale at school. If I sell enough, I can get this portable TV... The Watchguy. Young Max: Whoa, that's pretty cool. Leo: In a couple of weeks, I could be living the good life with a smile on my face and a TV in my pants. Young Max: Whoa, Leo, look. One of the prizes is a skateboard. If we work together, we could sell way more popcorn. Get both of our prizes. Leo: Yeah, it'd be so much more expedient. Efficient. Fast, it means fast. Young Max: Why do they keep making big words when the small ones are fine? back to present-day Sydney: I thought Dad and Maggie were just going for a bike ride, but it's already 8:00. Sounds like someone's having too much fun. Judy: You're quite the little matchmaker, aren't you? Sydney: Well, I wouldn't say matchmaker... but tell me what you're looking for and I can line up some options. Judy: Syd, please... Make sure he's buff and not too chatty. (car doors close) (footsteps approaching) Sydney: (Trying to be nonchalant) Oh, home so soon? Max: Maggie, you remember my daughter. Maggie: Hi, Sydney. Sydney: Hey, Maggie! So, did you two have fun? Maggie: How could I not? I was out with the most charming bike shop owner in Portland. Max: Go on... No, seriously, go on, I'm gonna grab us some drinks. Judy: Mm, look at you, big date night. I'm afraid the butt divot in the couch is gonna be jealous. So, how was it? Max: It was great. Maggie's... smart, accomplished, funny. There was just one little thing... Maggie: (baby-talk) Maxy Waxy! Where'd you go? I miss my little Maxy Waxy. Max: I'll be right out. Oh, this is my mom, Judy. Maggie: Oh, nice to meet you, Judy. Judy: Was that the little thing you were talking about? Max: Yes, that's the "wittle, wittle" thing. Maggie is a lovely woman, but I can't take the baby-talk. There is no way I'm going on another date with her. Judy: Agreed. (baby-talk) Because you already have a mommy! (both chuckle) Max: Oh. Max, you didn't tell me your daughter was this delightful. Sydney: You didn't tell me Maggie knows everything about fashion. And art. And music. She speaks Japanese. Maggie: (speaks Japanese) Max: Maggie's full of surprises... Uh, sounds like you guys have really hit it off. Sydney: Oh, we have. Maggie, I'd love to hang out. Any chance we could go shopping sometime? Maggie: Oh, I'd like that, but... I don't even know if your dad wants to go out with me again. Max: Of course I do! (laughing) Yes. Max: Syd and Maggie still aren't back from lunch yet, huh? Olive: No! I guess they're really hitting it off! By the way, Mr. R, my parents think it's terrific you're finally dating. Max: That's nice. Do you often talk about my personal life with your parents? Olive: Let's just say we have concerns. Olive: So, how'd it go with Maggie? Sydney: Great, Maggie's cool, fun, interesting... there's just one little thing. Maggie: (baby-talk) Wittle Sydney Widney forgot her sweater-weater in the car. No one wants a case of the McSniffletons! Sydney: Thanks, Maggie. This is Olive. Maggie: Nice to meet you, Olive. Olive: You, too. Maggie: Let me go say hello to your dad. (baby-talk) See you waiter! Olive: Oh gag! She's a baby talker! Sydney: I know, it's awful! I don't even think babies like it, they just can't say anything. Olive: What are you gonna do? Sydney: (sighs) Look at him. He's so happy... (imitating baby-talk) Guess I'm gonna have to wearn to wive with it. to 1992 Leo: Here's your dinosaur eraser. May we interest you in some delicious popcorn? It's for a very cause. Young Max: Yeah... I need a new skateboard. Leo: And it raises money for our school. So whaddaya say? Jared: No, thanks. Leo: Come on! Do it for the kids! Young Max: Man! We haven't made one sale all day. Gotta find some way to get kids to buy this stuff. Boy: Aw, come on! I'm never getting past this level! I whish I had the cheat codes to this game. I would pay anything for them. Leo: Max, I have the cheat codes for all these games. Young Max: Well, that solves that kid's problem, but what about us? Leo: No! Didn't you hear him? He said he'd pay "anything". Maybe he'd buy anything. Young Max: Ohh! I know what you're thinkin'? Leo: Cheat codes for popcorn? Young Max: Yeah! Though, it is a little deceptive and duplicitous. I got big words, too. back to present-day Max: Hey, guys. Sydney: Wow! Look at you! Going out with Maggie again? Max: Yes, I'm a single guy, it's what we do. Sydney: You're really happy, aren't you, Dad? Max: Oh, yeah, Maggie's terrific... the best. And you like her, right? Sydney: Sure! Yeah, she's great! Max: We're lucky... or as you kids say, "hashtag blessed". Sydney: We don't say that anymore. Max: Really? I just started using that yesterday. Olive: Sydney, you've gotta tell your dad how you feel about Maggie before this goes any further. Sydney: I can't. You heard him. He's crazy about her. What am I supposed to say? "Dad, you can't date her 'cause she stole my nose last night"? Olive: She didn't. Sydney: She did. And then she went in for a hug and I thought she was gonna burp me. to 1992 Leo: Okay, this is how it works, kid... You put down how many bags of popcorn you wanna buy and sign here. Then I give you the code. You only gotta ask yourself one question: how badly do you wanna beat this game? I guess not that badly. Now there's a man who wants to win! By the way, this whole transaction? Never happened. (whispering) Keep it quiet. Young Max: Cheat codes for popcorn! Get your cheat codes for popcorn! back to present-day (doorbell rings) Sydney: Hi, Maggie. Maggie: Hey, Syd. Cute outfit. (baby-talk) You look so adorable... Boop! Max: You ready to go, Maggie? Maggie. Uh, listen, before we go, I have some big news... I've been offered a job. It's actually a big promotion. Max: Wow, that's great! Sydney: Yeah. Awesome. Maggie: Except it's in New York. Sydney: But that means you'll have to move. Maggie: I know... and I've gotta let them know in 24 hours. Max: Oh, man, um... can you excuse me a minute? Max: (whispering) This is perfect! Maggie's moving to New York! Judy: Wait, I thought you were doing this for Syd. Max: I am! They can stay connected. They can video chat, or text, or whatever kids do with their thumbs these days. My point is, Syd will still have Maggie in her life. Judy: Congratulations, you'll be back with your bike horns in no time. Max: Exactly! Judy: I was being sarcastic! How many years have we been working on this? Sydney: So, this new job sounds great. Maggie: Oh, I'd be crazy not take it. Of course, if I knew this relationship with your dad was going someplace, it might affect my decision. Sydney: Well, I know he really likes you. Maggie: I feel ridiculous asking this, but... (baby-talk) kinda wikes? Or wikes-wikes? Sydney: Trust me, Maggie, he likes you a lot... Maggie: Really? He does? Sydney: Yes, and I like you, too. Which goes without saying, which is why I didn't say it. Max. So, tell me more about this incredible job. Maggie: I'm not taking it. Max: Huh? Maggie: I'm staying in Portland! Max: So, uh, what convinced you to stay? Maggie: A friend gave me a little tip. Sydney: Ping! Max: Okay, Maggie will be back in a minute. I got her favorite, strawberry shortcake. You know, for our little... celebration. Sydney: It's so great she's staying. Max: So great. There's not one little thing I don't like about that woman. Not one thing. Maggie: (baby-talk) Aww, dare's my wittle muffin man. And his wittle mini muffin. (normal voice) Aww, you got me strawberry shortcake! Sydney: It's for the "celebwation". I mean celebration. (cellphone ringing) Maggie: Oh, excuse me, work call, I gotta take it. Hi Jerry, what's up? Oh, hold on... (baby-talk) Oh, my wittle Maxy Waxy got a wittle whipped cweam on his face. (normal voice) Look, Jerry, if they don't like it, they're gonna have to find somebody else to carry their clothes. (baby-talk) Don't forget your nappy nap. Wouldn't want an oopsie. to 1992 Young Max: Hey! You wanna shoot some hoops? Leo: We can't, have to deliver the popcorn today. Young Max: C'mon, how long's that gonna take? Whoa... look at this! It's like popcorn had babies! Leo: How did we sell so much? Again, nobody needs to know. Judy: I gotta say, I'm really proud of you boys. Now, get this junk out of here. I want my house back! Young Max: Great, let's load up your car. Judy: I can't! Engine fell out. And after just 200,000 miles! Young Max. How are we supposed to deliver this? Judy: Well, you boys have bikes. Young Max: I can't fit it on a bike. Judy: Tie your wagon to it. Leo: Maybe she's on to somethin'. Young Max: What is it with you and my mom?! back to present-day (knocking) Judy: Oh, hey, Big O, come on in. Syd's not here. Olive: She's not? Judy: No, she's at the bike shop celebrating with Max and Maggie. Maggie's turning down a big job in New York, so she can stay here with them. Olive: Ohh... Good for them. Judy: I know... right? Olive: I'm so glad they met. Judy: Yeah, they're so good together. Olive: (high-pitched) Aren't they? 'Course, nobody's perfect. Judy: No! Everyone has something. Olive: That's why you've gotta take baby steps. Judy: (baby-talk) Wittle, wittle baby steps. Olive: What do you know?! Judy: Max is only dating Maggie because Syd likes her! Olive: But Syd only pretends to like Maggie because Mr. R likes her! (both gasp) Judy: So, they're sacrificing themselves because they want what's best for the other person. (gasp) They're such better people than me. Olive: What're we gonna do? Judy: We've gotta let them know before she turns down that job! Olive: (gasps) Let's go! You better drive, because you can! Maggie: Well, the only thing left is to turn down the job. New York is gonna call me any minute. So, if you guys don't want me to stay, say it now or forever hold your peace. I'm kidding! (all laughing) Max: That's a good one! Sydney: So good! (laughing continues) Judy: There they are. How are we gonna get them over here? Olive: I already texted them. Judy: Good. I was gonna trigger the fire sprinklers, but we'll go your way. Sydney: Guys, what's going on? Judy and Olive: (at the same time) Your dad's only-- Your daughter's only-- Olive and Judy: (at the same time) Mr. R. is pretending-- Sydney's only acting-- Sydney: Olive, you go. Olive: Your dad's only dating Maggie because he thinks you like her. Sydney: What?! Judy: And Sydney's only pretending to like her because she thinks you do. Max: Sydney, is that true? Sydney. Yes... Max: (sighs) Wait, you don't like Maggie? Sydney: No! I like her. It's just... Max: The baby-talk? Sydney: Oh, it drives me crazy. Max: Why didn't you tell me? Sydney: How could I? You seemed so happy. Max: I was only happy 'cause I thought you were happy. Sydney: I was just happy 'cause I thought you were. Max: Wow. I gotta say, you fake happy good. Sydney: Right back at ya. Max: Honey, I appreciate how much you care, but you don't have to pretend you're happy to make me happy. Sydney: I just don't want you to be lonely. Max: '''I'm not! I have you. '''Judy: Thanks goodness you have people in your life who don't know how to mind their own business. Sydney: So, what are we gonna do about Maggie? Max: You're not going to do anything about Maggie. I'm a grown man, I can handle this. Max: (baby-talk) Hey, Maggie Waggie? to 19992 Young Max: Is that it? Is that my new skateboard? Judy: Yep, it's been waitin' for ya. Young Max: And you said I'd have to save money to get a new skateboard. Well, who's laughing-- What?! What is this?! There has to be some mistake. Judy: All right, there's a catalog, let's check... Max, it looks like you didn't read the fine print. It says, "Picture actual size". Young Max: Gah! Judy: Tell you what, how 'bout I buy you a new skateboard? Young Max: You'd do that? Really? Judy: Of course! You worked really hard. Let's go! Young Max: Can we go tomorrow? Leo and I are gonna go bike riding. I had a ton fun jumping curbs and riding through alleys. Got some serious skills. Judy: Have fun! (laughing) Young Max: Mom? Judy: (gasps) That was about something else entirely. Young Max: I just wanted to say thanks for getting me to ride my bike again. It's pretty cool. Oh, and Mom? Go ahead and laugh, it is kinda funny. Judy: Well, that took all the fun out of it. back to present-day Max: And then Maggie said we can visit her anytime in New York. Sydney: Wow, she took it really well. Max: Yeah, we were both adults about it. And then she booped me on the nose and walked out. Sydney: You are awfully cute, Dad. Boop! Max: Listen, Syd, I want to thank you for pushing me out there, you were right. I've been hiding behind the single parent thing for too long. It's time I started dating again. Sydney: I think Mom would approve. She'd want you to be happy. Max: Yeah, you're right. (door opens) Max: Look out, ladies, Max Reynolds is back in the game. Cheryl: Hi, I was wondering if you could help me. I'm looking for a mountain bike. Max: Yeah, sure, they're right over there. Cheryl: Um... okay. Sydney: Uh, Dad? Max: Huh? Oh, right! Sydney: Ping! Max: Excuse me. I think I can help you, maybe narrow down what you're looking for. Uh, do you like to ride with your husband? Cheryl: No, I'm single. Max: That helps. Cheryl: So... what made you open a bike shop? Max: Well... it's a long story... Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts